What??? He's doing treatment now?!?

The answer to the title's question is, YES.

It's called Stereotactic Radiosurgery & you can look it up if you want to learn more about it. http://www.radiologyinfo.org/en/info.cfm?pg=stereotactic  

A little over a week ago Mark woke up and decided to go ahead with the offered targeted radiation therapy on the big tumor in his brain.  We were staring down the barrel of another month or two and it was quite obvious that Mark was slipping into increasing fatigue and lethargy.  He didn't feel like God was leading him, for certain, one way or another on the issue...so he just made the decision.  I'm glad he did.  Because barring divine intervention and miraculous healing, this cancer will take my husband...and I'd rather LATER than sooner, of course.  Any time this radiation can buy us is time we'll take!  We are hoping and praying that the 5 treatments will do their thing and slow or stop the growth...or kill the tumor entirely.  There is still the matter of the other 5 tumors in his body but the brain one is the one that will kill him quickly.  I'm glad he chose the treatment.  

As to the emotional side of this, for ME, it feels like we're in a holding pattern.  Just circling.  I need to try and live a little more normally but I don't know quite how to do that.  How much of this is coping, shutting down, protecting???  I don't know.  I do keep my journal and count my BLESSINGS in my journal of gratefulness.  I am keeping track of this journey.  I am treasuring the GOOD STUFF and trying to hold on to those things that bring hope and promise.  

I'll admit I've been a little, or a LOT, grumpy and irritable this past week.  This morning I think I got that straightened out with God.  I wasn't taking the proper time to be grateful and thankful.  I was focusing on the negative.  It's easy to do...that Negative wants to swallow you up whole and eat you alive.  It takes a concerted effort to find and hold on to JOY.  The joy is there...  the deeper the pain, the greater the joy.  I think that's true.  At lease I am going to explore that thought a little more...by looking for the joy in each day.

One major blessing is that Mark is not in pain.  He is still taking steroids and other than the fatigue he is doing okay.  We still have not been approved for Mark's disability leave.  I have no idea why it's taking them so long. Seems a little ridiculous.  Or a LOT ridiculous, considering. 

Mark's Dad is here for 2 weeks, visiting from the Czech Republic, where he lives.  It's been nice to have more family in town!  My parents came this weekend and that was a joy!  My Dad (Ron) and my FIL put new siding on the front entry.  Talk about something that makes ME happy!!!  They did a wonderful job and now I need to paint it.  No more embarrassment when people come over.  There are so many little (or big) projects like this that Mark can no longer do.  He's doing well to make it upstairs and to sit out and watch the kids for a while.  

My honey is no longer capable of the "Honey DO" these days!  :-(   He's pretty much capable of doing anything which is one of the things I've always loved about him.  He's a brilliant fellow in so many regards.

I also want to thank all who have given to us.  From our friends and family we've had monetary donations, offers galore, cards, special gifts via mail, & more.  Our family has done SO MUCH for us!  We are HUMBLED and SO VERY THANKFUL for each and every person who is praying, giving, and LOVING us from near or far!  THANK YOU!! THANK YOU!! THANK YOU!!  

I am planning to get out actual thank you cards in the mail one of these days.  There is no way I can fully express the love we feel from all of you.  Bless each and every one!  

We've been trying to capture as much fun and family time as Mark's energy will allow!  

Rowing around at Two River's Park 

 Avi and Libby ready for the filming of their movie.  The kids have had to get really creative with all our home time and they have done a tremendous job of being adaptable and good natured!

 Esther had to go it alone.  Thankfully we had a lead line, just in case.

 How I spend my quiet mornings if I get up before anyone else.  I sit by the pond and journal and read.  It sure helps keep me focused on what's important and it's essential to keep me feeling at peace!

 Father and Son...My Two Favorite Guys!

Papa and Libby at the River

Papa and Libby ready for their date.

at Happy Tummy on the West Side.  It used to be one of Mark and my fave places when we lived in Mukilteo.  We did a lot of little side trips to reminisce and share our special places with the kids.  We went to the beach at Mukilteo then out to lunch.  It was a fun and memorable day for all!

Mark and Avigail on their special date.

Prognosis

I haven't written in here in some time but I have been regularly journaling in my private journal.  Some of this journey we've been on has felt too private to share but someday I hope to be able to share it all.

As anyone who has followed our family knows, last Fall Mark was diagnosed with Metastatic Ocular Melanoma.  It's stage 4 cancer.  With this type of melanoma there is no cure.  There were treatments offered but none that would cure it and the margin of possible life extension was slim, at best.

We chose to go the route of trusting God, seeking God, and living by faith throughout this.  He has been so gracious to us.  Mark has remained asymptomatic this whole time.  He remained faithful to his job and all his other commitments.  It wasn't until Easter weekend when we were visiting my family on the West side that he began to have severe headaches.  He saw a walk in clinic doctor in Edmonds who consulted with an opthamologist and an oncologist and decided to do nothing at the time, just advised Mark to take pain relievers like Tylenol and to go get an MRI when he got home.  Since it was time for his 3 month check up scans anyhow, he requested a brain scan, which hadn't been done to date.

When he went in to get that done the doctor called right away and said they found a mass in there.  Mark was at work at the time and couldn't really deal with that information.  The headaches increased so much he could not work within a couple days of that news.  He got a prescription from his oncologist for some steroids to reduce the brain swelling.  They have fortunately also reduced his headaches vastly!  We got in to see a radio oncologist right away, Dr. Cheo, a very nice fellow who told us that Mark probably only had 2 months to live with a tumor this size (4cm...golf ball sized) and 3 months if he continued to take the steroids.  It was in the left side of his brain, centered in the part of his brain that controls his right side motor function.

The doctor did offer radiation therapy, which is gamma knife radio surgery...targeted gamma rays to the tumor only and not whole brain radiation.  It sounded somewhat promising until we heard the possible things that could go wrong and the fact that there is a 70% chance of new tumors forming after that one was possibly controlled, if they could get it controlled.  Ocular Melanoma is a form of cancer that is resistant to Chemo and Radiation so it is hard to control.  Ocular Melanomu, unlike the skin melanoma, metastisizes in the BLOOD STREAM, not in the lymph system, so it can take root anywhere at any time.

At the same time, we got the results of the latest CT scans.  He had 3 NEW tumors in his body.  A new one in his liver (that makes two in his liver now), one in his adrenal gland, one in his (I can't remember and will add later), and then the one in his lung.  The one in his lung is stable but the liver tumor has grown and then there are the three new ones.  NOT a good sign and they did say once it starts progressing like this it will go very quickly.

I cannot begin to tell you all how devestating this is...how emotional it has been, the turmoil, tears, pain, worry, planning for our "future"...

THIS IS THE MOST DIFFICULT THING WE HAVE EVER FACED.  No one plans on this.  You cannot prepare for it.  It cannot even be comprehended.

We live each day...KNOWING, yes KNOWING, that it is a gift.  That, in and of it's self, is a GIFT.  Not many get to live with this perspective.  Everything is precious; every photo, every memory made, every moment.

I will write more later but I wanted to update my friends and family who read this blog and I want to have a record of this online.  I will add some of what's in my personal journal soon.  I so want to share all the good things that have come about because of this diagnosis/prognosis.  All is not terrible and lost but all is redeemed.  Things may not turn out the way we hope and pray...but we know we are in good hands when we put our anchor down into the love that Christ has for us.

Yes, we are feeling more love than ever before...from our God, from our family, and from our friends.  We are humbled and thankful.  Overwhelmed by the goodness of God and of people!!

THANK YOU!!!

On the left of this blog I have posted a link to a fundraising site that my sweet friends here made for our family.  Mark is no longer working and though we are not doing any extensive treatments we've already amassed extensive bills!  We are in the process of applying for short/long term disability but it is only a fraction of what our normal income was...especially with no on call pay or overtime.  So far we have been provided for abundantly.  If you feel led to give, we'd be truly blessed but mostly we value the prayers that you send up for healing and for our family.  I felt a bit weird posting this link to the blog but we do need some help and definitely we need more prayers!!!!

The "Magic" Number

It's been AGES, I know.  So much for my good intentions.  Life has been busy and full of obligations, business, and laziness.  Ha!

ESTHER turned 5!  I can't believe that my youngest is 5 already.  For some reason I thought it was going to be the magic number and my life would be so much easier once she reached that age.  I had been so looking forward to her turning 5 but as it began to approach I could tell that it was not my lucky number.  Maybe 6 will do the trick.  She is delightful and BUSY and fearless.  Interesting combination that I'm sure will serve her well when she's an adult.  It comes in handy that she's also adorable.

Everyone is doing very well.  Mark is still asymptomatic, for those wondering.  He goes weekly to the Healing Rooms and we are now attending church regularly at Columbia Foursquare.  I'm still involved with MOPS and I'm leading a Daniel Plan Bible study with a group of friends.  

Ooooops, TIME FOR BED!  Mark just informed me.  I will catch you all up, if that's even possible, another day.  Enjoy the pics of E on her special day!

<3 div="">

Kimberly

War and Peace

August 17^th, 2013

Yesterday I started a journal.   I want to share it with you.  It is deeply personal but it is a testimony that I am compelled to share.  It’s only two days in.  Who knows what the future holds!

August 16^th Entry:

It’s been two days since Mark came down the stairs and I could see by the look on his face that the news was not good.  I had not prepared for anything less than good news, manageable news.

METASTATIC MELANOMA IN HIS LUNG.

It’s a bad one.  This is what it means to walk through the valley of the shadow of death.  I am not ready to walk through it.  I need strength for my family; I need strength for myself.  I can only cry or move about and pretend it’s not real.

Mark went to The Healing Rooms last night to be prayed over.  He will be going every week.  He is pursuing God and believing in a healing miracle.

I want to believe in that too.  I’m afraid to believe in it.

August 17^th, 2013

I am a new person today; a truly new creation.

The person I was yesterday was filled with the dread of our situation, sadness, dark thoughts.  I was falling apart.  Knowing that you spouse is dying will do that to you; getting a death sentence of a prognosis.

Today I am filled with the peace that passes understanding.  I truly am.  This is not of me.  I could not break out of my grief on my own, but GOD has broken me out and insulated me from the darkness.

I must digress a little to explain how I got here:

On Wednesday we got the diagnosis from Mark’s lung biopsy: STAGE 4 CANCER, Metastatic Melanoma, two words that I am now OVER familiar with.  Metastatic means that it has traveled from somewhere else in his body.  Mark had ocular melanoma nearly 20 years ago and has his eye cut out and did all the radiation and treatments that the doctors prescribed.  What I didn’t know when we got married was that the fact he was even a live was a miracle then.  I knew he’d had cancer but we never talked about it.  I didn’t know it was a threat still, silently moving and growing.

Anyhow, Mark came downstairs after his biopsy results appointment and for a brief moment, such a small moment, he gave a little smile and I had hope that all was well, and then his face changed and I knew that it was not well.  The reality pierced me. I had not considered that things would not be okay.  Bad things like this happen to OTHER people.  Not me.  Not us.  Not MY family.

I didn’t really understand the prognosis at first.  I saw chemo and surgery in our future, a long process but a little hope was in that.  Then throughout that first 24 hour eternity I came to realize just how grave the situation was.  This was STAGE 4 Melanoma.  There IS NO CURE!  There is only a slowing of the death process.  Medically speaking, of course, this would indeed involve chemo and surgery BUT TO WHAT END???  To destroy the little bit of life, however long that be, with medical treatments that will make sick and destroy what is healthy as well as what is sick but never cure anything, never bring life, never bring hope.  Never grow old together and die with our kids and our grandchildren around us?

This is now Saturday, the 3^rd day after diagnosis.  I can say we’ve been through all the emotions and worry, the whole gamut of them.  It was like this for me:

-          Hope in medicine and doctors

-          OH GOD – He’s going to DIE!

-          Despair & darkness washing over me as I imagined, almost constantly, life without my husband, my children without their father, and marking having to face death at such a young age. 

These days have truly felt like an eternity.  I am drained.  But, wait!  I am filled.  I am insulated.  I am safe in the LOVE of GOD.  The prayers of the faithful have moved the Holy Spirit to change me, to lift me out of the mire and darkness and bring me to a place of hope and peace.

Mark’s process has been different than mine.  We started out on the same page, kind of.  He’d had time to think about the reality that it may be a reoccurrence of the melanoma, though he kept that to himself and we believed the results would just be that it was a benign nodule in the lung, which is not uncommon.  At first we talked about pursuing all the medical paths AND trusting God and praying for a miracle.  As I was working through my darkness, he was being filled with faith and hope.  He went and got prayed for at The Healing Rooms.  He believes, 100% that God is going to heal him.  He is filled with joy and optimism and hope.  I have to say that I did not share that hope and optimism.  I was in turmoil and I could see that we were growing apart, being separated.

Last night was bad AND miraculous.

We talked and it was not good.  We were unequally yoked; our beliefs so different.  I just could not believe what he believed. I know God heals and that there are miracles all the time but I cannot believe 100%, that Mark will be healed.  There is the very real and looming death sentence he’s been served.

The area of healing has always been a contentious point in our differing beliefs.  We believe in the same God of the Bible and in the Bible, the Word of God.  We are both saved.  But when it comes to healing we’ve had many impassioned discussions throughout our marriage.  Interesting that healing should be a point of contention between us.

As we were discussing, I was being pulled further away from the oneness that we’d had until I felt we were truly two.  I know I was under spiritual oppression and attack.  I was angry at Mark.  I was feeling betrayed because he’d moved from the worldly position of, we’ll do it all as well as seek God, to we’ll just believe in a miracle.  He’d moved through all of that without me.  He was in a place of peace and I was not.  I felt alone, betrayed, and judged.  Judged because I didn’t have faith that God would heal Mark.  I keep clinging to the fact that God does not heal everyone.  He may not heal my husband.  We can believe and pray and he may still die. 

I KNOW spiritual oppression and battles because I feel them physically.  There is a spiritual BATTLE always going on around us, vying for our hearts and minds.  While we were talking I felt like I was going to faint and I was afraid and panicked.  I was overcome with thoughts not my own, the battle was going on for MY heart and mind and I felt it keenly.  I felt Satan pulling our marriage apart, pulling us apart, killing us.  I was so afraid.  Afraid of what might happen to me.  Afraid of being out of control.

This was the same feeling physically and spiritually that I had just before I was saved when I was 21.

I was standing there filled with all these dark things and a wave of peace washed over me.  The darkness was dispelled – instantly. 

It does not matter that Mark and I have some different beliefs.  Once again in my life the battle was waged in my very soul –

AND GOD WON.

It was like salvation all over again, where I became a new creation.  The scales fell away.  I am not the same person I was yesterday.

I CHOOSE to be FOR CHRIST, FOR my husband, and FOR my family.  I will not let Satan have his way here in our home.

I share this story because there are so many faithful people out there praying for us and God has moved.  I was able to sleep peacefully last night.

As I was standing there and the scales fell away and I was changed, I felt enveloped in peace.  I felt insulated and protected from the darkness, shielded from the fiery darts of the evil one. 

THIS is a miracle.  Truly.  I wish I could share it in such a way that it could be felt by anyone who reads it, but it can’t be put into words that are adequate.

I am at peace.  I trust God.  I don’t have the answers.  I don’t know the outcome.  I just know that everything is going to be okay.

We don’t know what the future holds but we do know who holds the future.

So...it's been a LONG LONG time

...and a lot has happened since I last posted.  There have been a lot of photos taken and NOT posted to this photo/life blog of our family.  I suppose it's because I post things automatically to Facebook.  Here begins another attempt to keep this blog going.  One of my reasons for having this is now in heaven.  Rest in peace, Grandmother Maxine.  I know you're with the Lord in Glory!

Here are some pics from today!  Avi and I went on a sunrise walk along the Columbia River with Condi and our foundling, Scout!

Next, here are a few pics of the kids and all our new rabbits and baby bunnies!

Lewis and Clark Trail State Park

Avigail, Esther, and I went for a little walk.  The walk took us across Highway 12 to the day use area of Lewis and Clark Trail State Park.  Adjoining the day use area was a fenced pasture with 4 lovely horses.  The white one let the girls pet her and feed her grass.  The girl were thrilled with their horse encounter.  Avi would have stayed all day...

 The old bathrooms, built in the 30s all of river rock.  Pretty cool!

 Trying to coax the horse into coming back....

 It didn't work.

 The surrounding terrain.

 Walking the park grounds.

 Avi's photo of the tree and hillside.

Esther was tired so we were waiting for Mark, Azriel, and Libby to come and pick us up in the Suburban.

Our First (with all 4 kids) Family Camping Trip!!!

Going Camping!!!

On the hiking trail at Lewis and Clark Trail State Park...

Our first glimpse of the Touchet river.

Archway of branches.

Trailer camping 101, our first time out!

The Touchet river.

Avi in the Touchet river.

Avi really IN the Touchet river.

Hanging out around the fire.

Esther is always busy... practicing casting with her little fishing pole in the background.

Trying out an online curriculum for the kids!

I've been invited to try Time4Learning for one month in exchange for a candid review. My opinion will be entirely my own, so be sure to come back and read about my experience. Time4Learning can be used as a homeschool curriculum, for afterschool enrichment and for summer skill sharpening. Find out how to write your own curriculum review for Time4Learning.




I will edit this post to say that the online curriculum did NOT work for our family.  The big kids did not like it at all.  The graphics were not appealing to them and I had to put their level higher in order for it to be challenging.  In it's favor, both the little girls enjoyed it...but then, they enjoy any little cartoony games online.

quintessential ESTHER

 

Avi having a breakfast date with Papa!

We started a new reward program in our house.  I had gotten these certificates for Denny's (yes, Denny's!) and we have one for each child.  We gave each child a 7 day challenge based on their individual issues.  Avi's was no whining.  No whining for SEVEN WHOLE DAYS!!!  She made it!  Well, there were two days where she did whine, but she was able to STOP her whining,which she'd previously said was impossible, and change her behavior!  I think this has been a wonderful little lesson in behavior modification for her.  She now KNOWS that she can STOP they cycle of whining before it consumes her.  ;-)  She had a wonderful breakfast with Mark followed by some shopping. She had a great time and I'm thrilled with the results of our little experiment.  Now if Libby can stay in her own bed without seeking me out in the night for 7 whole days, she gets a Papa date too.  Az, well, he has to quit whining...  LOL!  He CAN do it and I think that since he had to stay behind today while Avi got her special time that he has a new resolve to be successful in keeping a positive, non whining attitude!
Libby has one night under her belt.  She keeps having to start over but maybe, just maybe, THIS will be her winning week!!!

And to sweeten the pot...I have NEW rewards for new challenges. Got some great deals on BOWLING.  Papa dates for bowling should encourage some positive behavior changes!!!  :-)